I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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