I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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