listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
