so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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