I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
the raccoons are back...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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