Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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