I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
