I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
