Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
