I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
