pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dicks are not precious.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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