I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
