please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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