how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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