just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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