just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
