I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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