Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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