I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
