i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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