Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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