So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Welp...herpes.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
