I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
