I just saw a hot homeless man
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
