you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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