I need help removing her.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
