If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
