apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
50% drunk capacity currently
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
