I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
