Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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