you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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