I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
