My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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