How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
