the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
