He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
