woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
