She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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