My sheets look like a crime scene.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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