Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
