It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
