His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
