Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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