I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
