i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
