ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
