So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
