update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
These tits shall not be calmed
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
