she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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