i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
