remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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