I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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